The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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