there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
