I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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