My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize