her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
