u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
