An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
he had hair everywhere except his balls
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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