Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
