Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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