Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
