just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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