just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
