She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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