Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize