Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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