If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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