Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
