My nipple is on Facebook.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
