Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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