chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Is this like a preordered booty call?
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