I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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