Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You are the jesus of drinking
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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