I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize