Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
