wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
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