Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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