Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
