matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize