I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
