He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
