my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
