I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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