You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
