She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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