the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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