Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
how drunk are you?
Several
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
