yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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