If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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