Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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