I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
