i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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