I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
