Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You left your underwear on the fireplace
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
