I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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