I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
