my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
