He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
