Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
