My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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