I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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