I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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