She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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