and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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