Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The beer is more important than you right now.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
