We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
