before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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