can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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