Don't make out with my wife yet
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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