i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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