I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
