And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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