she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
