did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize