Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
