I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
