Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dicks are not precious.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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