I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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